Love and Marriage, Marriage, Relationships

5 To-Do’s for Thomas Markle and the Royals

Thomas Markle To-Do's

No sense pretending nonchalance re Meghan and Harry’s wedding. I’m a sucker for a fairy tale love story. And I gotta give props to the sister. Any more open,  the boy’s nose would be suitable for highway traffic. He’s smitten.

Nevertheless from personal experience, the soap opera with her father Thomas Markle worries me.

My first husband didn’t get along with my family. They thought us unsuited, and he felt it. By and by, my mom and sisters tried everything they could to make him feel part of the family, but the die was cast. I didn’t blame him for years, but I resented his attitude as time went on and it became a bone of contention between us.

Meghan Markle still has stars in her eyes for all the novelties in her life: a new love, a new country, a new home (a frigging castle), and a new purpose in her life. But when all’s said and done, she is still a girl with a dad she loves. My fear is that if this estrangement continues, it will infiltrate their happiness and their marriage.

Now I know most blame Loose Lips Tommy Markle for this debacle, and Lord knows, I am no apologist for the man. He appears rather unstable, unintelligent, avaricious – and lately, vindictive. But really, there’s plenty of blame and shame to go around. So even though no one’s asked me, I’ve devised five things Thomas Markle and the Royals each need to do to fix this Royal Hot Mess.

Thomas Markle To-Do List

  1. Invest in a Shut Up Mug

And drink from it often. Man, you screwed up. Big time. Not like my husband with my little nobody family, but with the frigging British crown. That’s not just a family you messed with – you might as well be tangling with the mob. Conspiracy theories about Charles orchestrating Diana’s death still abound, so if you don’t want him taking your place for more than just a wedding march… get that SHUT UP MUG. Should this not be incentive enough for you, just remember you will never see your daughter or your grandchildren if you don’t zip it…zip it good.

  1. Spruce Yourself Up

Look, Tommy, we all know you’ve been getting paid for spilling your considerable guts. Rather than spend your time posing for fake tailor fittings, try actually buying real clothes befitting the father of a duchess. Get a haircut, and for the love of God, shave off that dead gray beast growing on your face. Clean yourself up. That’ll help rehabilitate your increasingly creepy image.

  1. Use Different Shopping Bags

Yeah, we know. You should be able to buy a damn truckload of beer and ciggies without being judged, but life is different now. You’re old enough to remember the hit song Every Breath You Take by the Police. If not, here it is.

Every step you take, they’ll be watching you. So, do yourself a favor. Get yourself some opaque shopping bags, boo.

  1. Remember She’s Your Little Girl

Even if you don’t have the sense God gave birds, you’ve got to know getting on television and talking smack about your daughter just makes you look bad. Your last few interviews show you careening into smarmy and vindictive. So, if you’re too far gone to follow my first suggestion – and somehow I think you are, boy – at least keep your comments positive and doting. You still might not ever hear from your daughter again, but you might salvage your fast degenerating reputation.

  1. Keep Doria Ragland’s Name Off Your Lips

This is actually covered by Number 1, but you seem to need it spelled out. You know, Tommy, you’ve had my sympathy for a while now. Mostly because I don’t think you’re right in the head. But then, you just had to go there. Rag on Doria (pun intended) about Meghan getting her “willful streak” from her mother. And congratulating yourself for making Meghan who she is. Honey, you just tore your entire ass dissing not one, but two sisters. In case, you still don’t get it, here’s a video to help.

 Royal Family To-Do List

  1. Turn the Phone Back On

What the heck is the matter with you people? You’re dealing with what my dearly departed father would have called an asshole bunny. If you add the psycho sister and the domestic abuse brother, you’ve got a litter of them. Everybody knows you can’t leave asshole bunnies to their own devices. Now, I’m not telling you to adopt all the bunnies (no one gives a bunny’s ass about the siblings), but going dark on the father is just plain cruel and a public relations nightmare. Yes, he may look disheveled and loony, but you look heartless. Turn the phone back on. And answer it.

  1. Pretend You Learned Something From Princess Diana

Okay, we know you aren’t a real family. The Crown must always win. But you are dealing with real people and real lives. Real people who didn’t grow up with so much as a rhinestone tiara, never mind this crown-must-win nonsense. Meghan Markle has given up her country, her career, and much of her autonomy. Isn’t that enough? With all your resources, it’s your job to help her fix this for the sake of her marriage and their happiness. And yes, even the Crown will win.

  1. Invite Meghan’s Dad to Visit

Do I really need to explain this? I think not, so I’ll just loosely quote Thomas Markle. If you can meet Lord Voldemort Trump, you can hold your nose, meet Meghan’s father, and mend some bridges. It’s a win-win for you, because right now y’all are looking pretty heartless AND inept.

  1. Pink Slip All Your Advisors

Seriously, who’s advising you…the Brexiters? Newsflash…the Yes Vote didn’t apply to Meghan’s dad. You can let him in. In fact, you need to let him in. Tommy’s becoming increasingly belligerent. Pretty soon, he’s going to start spilling all Meghan’s tea…true or not. Invite this man over, play nice, and stop the hemorrhaging. And get rid of whoever’s been advising you. They’re clueless. BTW I am available for consultation. Or try to get hold of Olivia Pope. She’s a pretty good choice, too.

  1. If All Else Fails, Buy Him a Shut Up Mug

Fill it with his favorite libation…oodles and oodles of cash. And not small bills. That’ll probably calm Tommy down. If you’re unsure what mug to get him, here’s my suggestion. You’re welcome.

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